Infidelity can throw the lives of everyone involved into a tailspin. Many couples that figure in the tragedy of an extra-marital affair say they’ve never felt such intense pain.
The anguish that the betrayal causes – the shock, agitation, fear, depression, and confusion – leaves permanent scars. Often, the damage is irreparable.
“The pain of divorce is often unbearable,” says clinical psychologist, Andra Borsh. “The experience can be so awful that you wonder whether it would have been easier to be dealing with … death.”
In August 2018, hackers leaked the names of millions of people who had used the website, Ashley Madison. The Canadian dating site gained popularity a few years back for marketing to would-be adulterers with the slogan: “Life is short. Have an affair.”
What followed was an epidemic of resignations and divorces throughout the website’s 32-million-strong international membership. There were even a few suicides – among them that of a priest in Alabama.
On a purely instinctive level, the heartbreaking outcome of the data dump seemed inevitable. The revelation of infidelity is likely to destroy the foundations of even the strongest relationships.
Extra-marital affairs are the leading cause of divorce in Russia and China. Infidelity is also among the most common “final straw” reasons for divorce throughout Europe and the United States.
However, some research suggests that some marriages not only survive an extra-marital affair but also become stronger as a result.
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3 Steps to Rebuilding a Relationship after an Extra-Marital Affair
In 2007, the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy published a study that focused on marriages that have survived infidelity.
The study showed that, on rare occasions, the revelation of a cheating spouse has led to a stronger, more fulfilling union for some couples.
In fact, a few couples cited some rather surprising benefits from the traumatic experience. Some reported that the discovery of the affair ultimately made them closer.
Others came away feeling more empowered and aware of the value of their relationship and family.
“Not everyone in this study experienced these outcomes, though, nor did they arrive quickly or easily,” says social psychologist, Justin Lehmiller.
Only participants who moved on and successfully rebuilt trust in their relationships reported any benefits from the affairs, Lehmiller adds.
So, how does a couple that has decided to stay together after infidelity rebuild trust in their relationship? How can a marriage become stronger as a result of a traumatic experience?
Below are three steps that experts say are key to surviving an extra-marital affair and – perhaps – building a stronger relationship.
1. End the extra-marital affair once and for all.
The cheating spouse must end all contact with the third party. If the affair is genuinely finished, the aggrieved spouse will need ongoing confirmation of this for a while – probably a long, long while.
If you’re the guilty party, you must be willing to discuss the details of your affair openly and honestly. If you work with the third party, it may even be necessary for you to leave your job.
“This may seem like an extreme response but the process of repairing trust may require such measures,” say the relationship experts and educators at Healthy Marriage Info.
Be prepared to reassure your partner that the affair is over whenever necessary. He or she may not believe you at first but in time – and with an abundance of patience – your spouse may just learn to trust you again.
2. Communicate openly and honestly about everything.
Discussing the affair may be extremely painful and embarrassing. The betrayed spouse may want to know all the details or just a few. It’s important for the partner who was unfaithful to answer questions completely and honestly.
When information is not offered willingly, the partner who learned of the extra-marital affair will sometimes use their imagination to fill in the gaps. Subsequently, he or she might imagine the worst.
“Basically, cheaters must make a commitment to living differently and abiding by certain boundaries, the most important of which is ongoing, rigorous honesty about absolutely everything, all the time,” says clinical social worker, Robert Weiss in an article for Psychology Today.
3. If you’re committed to rebuilding the relationship, avoid accusations.
The partner who is betrayed must remember to be kind to themselves, especially when they’re having a bad day. If you’ve been betrayed, you’re likely to ruminate about your partner’s infidelity from time to time.
During these moments, try to remember that recovering from the trauma of betrayal takes time. It’s fraught with inevitable ups and downs.
Express your feelings to your spouse, but be sure to avoid accusations. You should also refrain from rehashing all of the events around the affair.
You and your partner need to talk about intense feelings respectfully. You must discuss difficult subjects without blame, judgment, criticism, and contempt.
“Marathon talk sessions about it may deepen the wounds,” says licensed therapist Terry Gaspard. “Find a way to forgive or at least accept their partner’s actions and work towards forgiveness.”
The Path Towards a Stronger Future
The revelation of an extra-marital relationship is always painful. The experience is not just about someone crossing a boundary, but also about all the resentment that’s been a part of the relationship throughout.
The process of healing and recovering from infidelity is arduous enough to bring any person to their emotional breaking point. But you both need to confront the challenges head-on.
“If you and your partner are committed to staying together, it is imperative to explore what the relationship problems actually are,” says Jor-El Caraballo, a therapist based in New York.
No one gets into a long-term partnership with the expectation that they will have to deal with infidelity at some point. Talking about problems concerning sex, unmet needs, and commitment issues, among others, is a difficult but necessary part of the rebuilding process.
Be prepared for the worst. For some couples, an extra-marital affair is the last nail of an already closed coffin. It signals the end. But many other couples decide that their partnership is worth saving – and manage to stay together.
So, if you do find yourself coping with infidelity, the good news is that there is a path toward healing.
If you are lucky enough, you may even find yourselves in a healthier, more fulfilling relationship on the other side. It’s a rare positive outcome of betrayal – but it does happen.
What do you think? Have you ever cheated on your spouse? Have you ever experienced being cheated on?
