The Right Way to Enjoy Rough Sex

You might like lighting candles, putting on mood music, and making slow, sweet, sensual love to your partner. No sane person will ever tell you that’s a bad thing.

But let’s face it, who doesn’t enjoy a little rough stuff in the bedroom every once and a while?

Some 70 percent of Americans enjoy some form of rough sex and bondage, dominance, sadism and masochism (BDSM), according to research. But the surprisingly high numbers shed little light on a subject that has somehow eluded candid public discourse except by way of movies and books.

Often, what does get dragged into the open are instances when rough sex turns into something else and someone ends up in jail – or worse.

Some 70 percent of Americans enjoy some form of rough sex and bondage, dominance, sadism and masochism (BDSM) in the bedroom.
Some 70 percent of Americans enjoy some form of rough sex and bondage, dominance, sadism and masochism (BDSM) in the bedroom.

When do things get rough, exactly?

Generally speaking, “rough sex is any sexual interaction that’s more physically aggressive or possibly physically dangerous,” Dominatrix and sex educator Lola Jean says in an interview with the New York Times.

But, as she says, “everything is subjective and what may be aggressive to one person isn’t aggressive to another.” That makes for a large swath of bedroom activity, doesn’t it?

The fact is, anything outside your basic vanilla sex can count as rough sex. That includes dirty talk, to a consistent pounding from behind, to a brisk bum slap, or an all-out BDSM torture festival in your boudoir.

The only requirement is the consent of all parties involved. If it isn’t consensual, it isn’t sex. It’s assault.

If it isn’t consensual, it’s assault.
If it isn’t consensual, it’s assault.

The Basics of Enjoying Rough Sex

If you and your partner have decided to explore the world of rough sex and BDSM, then you should, rightfully, be excited. But it’s important to know more about the subject before you two head to the bedroom with the paddles, handcuffs, and leather.      

Rough sex and BDSM are not usually dangerous, but some activities can be detrimental to your emotional or physical well-being. This is especially true if you’re not open and honest, both with your partner and yourself.

Below are a few basics to keep in mind when you and your partner decide to play rough. 

Communicate openly and honestly.

Chat with your partner. Talk about what acts you want to explore, what you’re each hoping to get out of it, and why you’re interested in exploring it. And b just as clear about what you do not want!

Even gentle lovemaking requires honest communication to be fulfilling. Being open and candid are that much more important when it comes to rough sex and BDSM.

Even gentle lovemaking requires honest communication to be fulfilling.
Even gentle lovemaking requires honest communication to be fulfilling.

Establish boundaries.

Rough sex is never entirely safe – and that is exactly why keeping it as safe as possible is vitally important. “When you’re engaging in rough sex, you’ll have a heightened rush of adrenaline, which can influence how far you’re willing to go,” Daniel Saynt, founder of the private sex club NSFW, tells Healthline magazine.

Establishing boundaries and safe words helps minimize the risk that you will do something you will later regret.

Clear signals and safe words like “yellow” for slow down or nearing your peak and “red” for a full stop are absolutely necessary. They are the only things that hold the line between sweet hurt and real harm.

Establishing boundaries and safe words helps minimize the risk that you will do something you will later regret.
Establishing boundaries and safe words helps minimize the risk that you will do something you will later regret.

If you’re into rough kink, don’t drink.

Many of us have behaved foolishly, or said regrettable things, at a party while under the influence of some substance or another. The consequences of intoxication can be infinitely worse during rough sex. That’s why it’s important to be sober.

“Although it’s often more tempting to play sex games when you’re feeling a bit tipsy, it’s best not to try bondage when you’re under the influence of alcohol, as you might misjudge how tightly to tie the knots,” say the experts at the sex toy retail company, Ann Summers.

The sometimes regrettable consequences of intoxication can be infinitely worse during rough sex.
The sometimes regrettable consequences of intoxication can be infinitely worse during rough sex.

Start slow, for your partner’s sake and yours.

Once you have established the boundaries, you can turn your attention to exploration. If you’ve never tried any rough stuff before, those who regularly practice BDSM recommend that you start slow. Sex expert Emily Dubberley says this could mean something as simple as having rough doggy style sex while talking dirty.

You can also incorporate slightly more daring moves to your usual slap-and-tickle antics. “These could include hair pulling, face slapping, nibbling and sex toys”, says Dubberley.

She does warn, however, that you should never slap anywhere near the ear as you might pop your partner’s ear drum.

If you’ve never tried any rough stuff before, those who regularly practice BDSM recommend that you start slow.
If you’ve never tried any rough stuff before, those who regularly practice BDSM recommend that you start slow.

If you’re going to use accessories, be prepared.

Unless you’re into it, you don’t need expensive props. “Simply re-purpose something that you already have in the house,” says Dubberley. She suggests using ties, scarves, and dressing gown cords for restraints. “Though tights and stockings would seem fit for the purpose, they are less than ideal as the knots can tighten to ridiculous levels and the fabric can dig in uncomfortably,” she says.

Should you decide to try more elaborate accessories, be sure you are prepared for emergencies. Trust us, you don’t want to be handcuffed to a bed post all day.

“If you’re using handcuffs, keep two sets of handcuff keys nearby so you can release your partner quickly if need be,” say the experts over at the sex toy retail company, Ann Summers.

Should you decide to try more elaborate implements, be sure you are prepared for emergencies.
Should you decide to try more elaborate implements, be sure you are prepared for emergencies.

Don’t be afraid to talk about the experience after the fact.

The violence – implied or actual – in rough sex can sometimes free deep-seated and previously repressed emotions. “For some people stuff comes up immediately after, the day after, or even later than that,” Jean says. She urges couples to use the opportunity to expand communication and talk about the experience.

“Unpack what you’re both feeling, what can be done to neutralize any bad or icky feeling, and what you can do to eliminate any bad feelings and enhance any good moving if you do it again,” she says in a separate interview with Healthline.

The violence - implied or actual - in rough sex can sometimes free deep-seated and erstwhile repressed emotions.
The violence – implied or actual – in rough sex can sometimes free deep-seated and previously repressed emotions.

Don’t forget aftercare.

Jean also emphasizes the need for what she calls “aftercare.” Aftercare, she says, means treating your partner physically and emotionally after a round of rough sex. This might involve something as simple as a drink, a snack, and a blanket.

Some couples might need to apply balm or antibiotics to affected areas, says the BDSM expert. Other types of aftercare include cuddling, a warm shower or massage.

Aftercare, she says, means treating your partner physically and emotionally after a scene, which can be quite demanding.
Aftercare means treating your partner physically and emotionally after rough sex.
(Photo: Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels)

“Don’t forget that both ‘submissives’ and dominants can benefit from aftercare,” Jean says.

Remember always that ‘rough sex’ is very subjective. Be aware of your partner’s desires and boundaries. Enjoy the moment. If he or she won’t go to your level yet, be patient. Boundaries are often very flexible once trust is established.

Do you enjoy rough sex or have your inhibitions stopped you? We’d love to hear your story!


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