If there is one secret that men who love women should know, it’s that women have a better shot at a great orgasm if you use your mouth.

No, we don’t mean that you should whisper Baudelaire into her ear – although being a cunning linguist in that sense might help. No, we mean literally putting your mouth to work between her legs.

We’re not just wagging our tongues at you, either. Popular culture and pornographic material often depict the female orgasm as something usually achieved through penetration and often, rough sex. Science says otherwise.

Researchers over at the Kinsey Institute say that, while men can easily achieve orgasm through vaginal sex alone, women often don’t. Women are much more orgasmic, but they require a variety of sex acts to achieve climax. That includes cunnilingus.

“The average man can maintain genital thrusting for two and a half minutes before ejaculation, but the average woman requires fifteen to eighteen minutes of persistent clitoral stimulation to have her first orgasm,” says sex therapist and cunnilingus expert Ian Kerner. “That twelve-and-a-half-minute difference is a gaping maw of frustration on the part of women.”

Cunnilingus and Social Taboos

In a world where most men want to ‘go down’ in history as great lovers, surprisingly few actually know how to achieve the goal. In fact, a disappointing number of men don’t know where to begin pleasuring women with their mouths. That is according to both Kerner and renowned sex therapist Dr. Yvonne Fulbright.

Fulbright has spent the better part of her career helping individuals toward a healthier approach to sex and relationships. Oral sex happens to be part of that equation. She says much of the naivete surrounding cunnilingus stems from an ambivalent attitude toward female sexuality – both in men and in women.  

“Female sexual pleasuring is still a relatively new concept in human history, and for those up for the task there’s still the fear that they don’t know what they’re doing,” says Fulbright. “A number of females don’t even know how to provide a lover with instruction, given they still face the taboo of exploring their sexuality, especially on their own.”

“A Sense of Trust”

This wary attitude is more prevalent than some might think, and – in many cultures – has been so for thousands of years. In the bedroom, the result has been ignorance and – well – poor technique, if there is any attempt at technique at all.

Over the years, Fulbright has interviewed men who thought that the female urinary opening was the clitoris.  Others didn’t quite know how to warm their partners up properly. They just dove right in, says Fulbright. That can make for a lot of discomfort for women.

“One of the biggest complaints I hear from women is, ‘I love it when my guy goes down on me, but it’s like the running of the bulls in Pamplona. It’s like a stampede for the clitoris, and I just want to get out of the way,’” says Kerner.

Nonetheless, the incentives to cunnilingus in a loving, sensual relationship extend far beyond the promise of orgasm. Oral sex functions to ensure both pleasure and a strong partnership, according to Fulbright.

“When people indulge in sexual experimentation or when a gal gives the green light to let a lover go down on her, there is a certain degree of vulnerability involved,” she says. “The variety could be a reflection of other things in the relationship that are beneficial, like a strong sense of trust.”

Know Her Intimate Anatomy

That said, there are ways to perform cunnilingus for maximum effect. But for that, you’ll need to know the basics of your partner’s intimate anatomy. That can be tricky.

In fact, many women – due to cultural or religious suppression, don’t even understand their own sexual anatomy. But that’s a story for another time.

For men. seeing your lady’s labia for the first time is – to borrow a phrase from Forrest Gump – like opening a box of chocolates. “You never know what you’re going to get.”

Like the male member, female vulvae are all different. Some hang low, others wobble backward and forward. Some are short, some asymmetrical, and others are curved.

The clitoris is situated at the top of where the two inner labia join. “Trace the seam of the lips toward your partner’s belly button to find the clit,” says sex educator Sarah Sloane, who teaches sex toy classes in Chicago, Illinois. 

Keep in mind that the visible part of the clitoris is only its tip. The clitoris itself extends a few inches further back into the body. This wonderful jewel of human evolution has no function in reproduction at all, but it is the main pleasure center for females during sex.

And what a center it is. The clitoris has more nerve endings than anywhere else in the female body. When stimulated, it fills with blood and becomes erect. Only the clitoral hood protects this sensitive gland from friction, or constant rubbing, in everyday life.

Listen to Her Body

There is a common misconception that, once found, you should go ahead and paint the alphabet on the clitoris with your tongue. That’s just bad advice, says Sloane. The secret is not variety, or aimless flicking, but consistent, uniform strokes.

Every female body is different, though, so you’ll probably have to test different techniques to discover what gives your partner the most pleasure. Sloane recommends long, soft licks. “Start like you’re trying to lick all the ice cream in July,” she suggests.  

Perhaps even better, Tara Struyk, co-founder of Kinkly, an online sexual wellness resource, suggests that you ask your partner what she likes. “Do you prefer this or this?” or “Does this pressure feel good?”

Struyk says your partner’s body language should give you some clues, too. If she pushes close, she most likely enjoys what you are doing. Keep at it and don’t change anything. If she is pulling away or clenching, the sensation may be too intense. You may need to back off.

Less Thrusting, More Teasing and Communication

Your willingness to pleasure your partner also matters. If you’re performing cunnilingus because you think that’s what you “should” be doing, your partner will know. She will likely not enjoy it as much. So, if you want to pleasure her orally, be fully there.

Being fully present means taking your time and tending to other parts of her sex. Do and say things to make her feel good about herself.

For instance, some women like to have their partner’s tongue inserted into their vagina. If this is the case with your playmate, Sloane suggests less tongue-thrust, more tongue-touch.

Fulbright emphasizes the importance of teasing, as well. Instead of zeroing in on her clitoris and going to town right away, try getting the entire vulva wet first.

“Firmly brush over the clitoris on occasion, but tease it,” she says. “After some build up, firmly push the tip of your tongue against it as you rhythmically massage it, gradually building up the speed and paying attention to signs of whether there’s too much stimulation or if she wants more.”

Keep learning and be patient. Be sure, too, that you don’t overdo it. When it comes to cunnilingus, some lovers do prefer more. That is especially for women who for whom oral sex is a primary way for reaching climax.

But for ladies who climax as effectively during certain sexual positions involving vaginal penetration, more cunnilingus may not be necessary… but will always be welcome 🙂

“Every couple needs to figure out what’s best for them and communicate about that,” says Fulbright.

And don’t forget that communication can be non-verbal. Giving a gift of open crotch knickers or even a bra set that exposes both nipples and vulva can be just the stimulant both parties need!

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